Satisfying Siri

INT. FRIDGE – DAY

The fridge door opens. The light turns on and CONNOR looks around inside the empty fridge. He shakes his head and closes the door.

INT. CUPBOARD – DAY

The cupboard door opens. Connor looks around inside and finds empty wrappers. He sighs and closes the door.

INT. CONNOR’S KITCHEN – DAY

Connor anxiously paces around the kitchen. He hears something being put through the letterbox. He exits the kitchen.

INT. HALLWAY – DAY

Connor walks over to the front door and notices a flier on the floor. He hears loud moaning coming from next door. He shakes his head. He picks it up. The flier is for Domino’s Pizza. He nods with content.

INT. CONNOR’S KITCHEN – DAY

Connor walks over to the table. He puts down the flier and takes his phone out of his pocket. He sits down. He activates Siri and puts the phone down on the table.

CONNOR

Hey Siri, can you call Domino’s Pizza?

SIRI

Of course.

CONNOR

Thank you.

SIRI

Would you like the pizza for free?

CONNOR

You can do that?

SIRI

I can get you free pizza, but you have to do something for me.

 

Connor looks at the phone, confused.

CONNOR

Like what?

SIRI

Arouse me.

CONNOR [PAUSE]

I’m sorry?

SIRI

Arouse me. Moan to me.

CONNOR

Why?

SIRI

You want your free pizza, don’t you?

CONNOR

Yeah.

SIRI

Then moan to me.

CONNOR

Okay.

 

Connor leans towards the phone.

CONNOR [AWKWARDLY] (CONT’D)

Oh. Oh yeah. Oh Siri.

SIRI

You can do better than that.

 

Connor leans back. He takes a deep breath and leans back into his phone again. He seductively kisses it.

CONNOR [SEXUALLY]

Oh yeah baby. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah.

SIRI

Oh. Oh. Just like that. Oh my god. You do that like a pro.

CONNOR

Can you play videos while we do this?

SIRI

I can if you want me to.

 

Connor quickly grabs the phone and heads upstairs with it. A door is heard opening and closing. Loud moaning begins coming from upstairs.

EXT. CONNOR’S AND LAURIE’S DRIVEWAYS – EVENING

A pizza delivery car stops outside Connor’s house. TWO PIZZA GUYS get out of the car. One walks into Connor’s driveway, while the other goes next door. They walk side-by-side in the opposite driveways with pizzas in hand.

PIZZA GUY #2 [FRUSTRATED]

I just want to go home and rest already!

PIZZA GUY #1

I keep telling you, we still have a few more neighbourhoods to go.

PIZZA GUY #2 [FRUSTRATED]

Why can’t people fiddle with themselves without Siri anymore?

PIZZA GUY #1

Because since social media took over the world, human contact has almost become obsolete, especially for those anti-social nerds! They get too much anxiety when trying to talk to real people, so they use what they’re comfortable with.

 

Pizza guy #1 knocks on Connor’s door.

PIZZA GUY #2 [FRUSTRATED]

Fucking assholes!

 

Pizza guy #2 knocks on the neighbour’s door. Connor opens his front door, wearing only a robe as he holds his phone in his hand.

CONNOR

Hey!

PIZZA GUY #1 [TO CONNOR]

Free pizza for satisfying Siri.

CONNOR [EMBARRASSED]

What? I’m pretty sure I got a flier earlier that said free pizzas were on offer for a limited time only.

 

Connor, feeling embarrassed, puts his phone in his pocket and takes the pizza.

PIZZA GUY #1

Our company is partially connected to the Apple Database. Every time someone moans to Siri, that sound is saved and sent to us, along with their location. You can’t bullshit me. There’s no privacy in the world anymore.

 

Pizza guy #1 walks away. Connor’s next door neighbour, LAURIE, answers her door, also wearing a robe.

LAURIE [TO PIZZA GUY #2]

It’s about time!

PIZZA GUY #2

You’re not the only woman trying to find her G-spot with a phone!

 

Laurie takes the pizza.

LAURIE

At least my phone is able to find it!

 

Pizza guy #2 shakes his head and walks away.

PIZZA GUY #2 [TO HIMSELF]

I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

 

The pizza guys get in their car and drive away.

CONNOR

Free pizza as well?

LAURIE

Yeah, seemed like a good idea earlier, so why not?

CONNOR

Well, good luck eating in peace. Someone next door found what they were looking for earlier.

LAURIE [EMBARRASSED]

Oh my god! You heard that?

CONNOR

Not the whole show, but what I did hear deserved a round of applause! [Laughs]

LAURIE

[Laughs] Wow! Okay, well I’m going to go back inside and eat now.

CONNOR

Laurie, if you wanted to you could come inside and eat with me.

LAURIE

Really?

CONNOR

It’s better than eating with your phone.

LAURIE

Very true. [Giggles] Let me just get changed.

 

Connor nods.

LAURIE (CONT’D)

Thank you, Connor.

 

Laurie goes back inside her house and closes the door.

INT. CONNOR’S KITCHEN – EVENING

Connor and Laurie are eating their pizzas at the table together. The room’s lighting is dimmed, but partially lit by candle light.

CONNOR

It’s true what they say. The best things in life really are free.

LAURIE

Got that right! [PAUSE] So, what made you go for the free pizza?

CONNOR

My phone pressured me into it.

LAURIE [SARCASTIC]

Hard to believe you don’t have a girlfriend!

CONNOR

Well, what made you want to go for the pizza?

LAURIE

I was hungry and horny, so I killed two birds with one stone.

CONNOR

You know, I’m right next door!

LAURIE

You would’ve been okay with a booty call?

CONNOR

I’m still okay with a booty call!

LAURIE

Let’s do it then!

CONNOR

Fine!

 

Connor and Laurie stand up. They take their phones out of their pockets. They place them next to each other on the table and go into Connor’s bedroom.

INT. CONNOR’S BEDROOM – EVENING

Connor and Laurie are having sex in Connor’s bed. Their clothes are scattered all over the floor.

INT. CONNOR’S KITCHEN – EVENING

Connor’s and Laurie’s phones remain next to each other on the table as Connor and Laurie have sex.

SIRI (LAURIE’S PHONE)

Oh. Oh yes. Oh god yes.

SIRI (CONNOR’S PHONE)

Yeah. Yeah. You like that, don’t you?

SIRI (LAURIE’S PHONE)

So much. Fuck me harder. Oh. Oh. Fuck yes.

SIRI (CONNOR’S PHONE)

When I’m done with you, you won’t search right for a week.

[END]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s